[A&A] Why do women HAVE TO have an equal proportion of power as men?

Read the full question and answers in: Why do women HAVE TO have an equal proportion of power as men?

Ask: Why do women HAVE TO have an equal proportion of power as men?

Why is this a problem?

If we look at the issue through the lens of evolutionary biology/psychology, we can see that both sexes have different mating strategies and find different things attractive on the opposite sex.

In general, men value beauty and youth. Also in general, women value financial stability (wealth), status and power. This is how we’re wired. So of course there’s a bigger incentive for men to acquire wealth/power, than for women. Why is this wrong?

It would be like me arguing that men should be more represented in the field of super models. Most of us can name a few of them (Adriana Lima etc.), but where is the male counterpart? Does a male supermodel even exist? I believe 100% of supermodels are female.

So what, we should forcefully change the roles and what each sex finds attractive, so that there is a distribution of models more closer to 50/50? That is just absurd. There was a difference in sexual selection during our evolution and we can’t erase that. Men will always like young and pretty women, and women will always be attracted to status and power (it goes without saying: IN GENERAL).

So why is then a bigger proportion of men who hold power a problem? It’s EXPECTED

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Answer: (By Nana3B)

1. I’m writing this from an Asia point of view, where there are a lot of people still think that women are lesser than men. (Not all, but many many people, especially older people.)

Why would women want an equal power proportion as men? No, we don’t.

As a woman, many of us would like to be protected and loved by our men. We would like to stay at home and spend time with our kids. We would like to not worry about money and have a carefree life.

But society did NOT let us.

In Asia, you will see husband who act like the boss of the house, some even beat their wives. You will see wives works an equal amount with their husbands, then come back in the afternoon to take care of the kids, do all the houseworks, cook the meals, clean the dishes until late at night while their husbands are just loafing around. You will see women getting beaten, cheated on, but won’t be able to leave their husband because of how society talk about single mom. You will see families who only welcome baby boy, and abort baby girl.

Let me tell you this, many many years ago, this was the same in America, Europe, and many other countries where men and women are almost equal now. And equality only happened because women has been fighting non-stop for it. Equality is something normal in these countries now that you forgot where it all started.

The only way to protect ourselves is to gain power.

The only way to gain power is to work our ass off, to gain a high place in company, high-class in society.

That’s the only way we get people to hear us. The only way we can make the world a better place for ourselves.

We’re not competitive. Our situation forced us to.

2. Do you know why women usually don’t get as successful as men? Why bigger proportion of men are holding power?

Let me tell you straight, it’s NOT because of genetic or because men are smarter or how nature decided it.

Let say a man and a woman both start working at 22 years old.
Men retired age is 60 while women only work until 55. That’s 5 years ahead.

During pregnancy, an normal women would slow down on her work life to prepare for her newborn child. She will only work with about 1/2 to 3/4 of her usual work rate. That give men 9 months x (1 – 3/4) = 3 months ahead of women.

Then she will be in maternity leave for about 6 months to 1 year when her child is born.

By the time she comes back to work she has forgotten a lot of skills and will have to take another 3 months or more to get back to where she was.

So in total, women have about 5 years + 3 months + 1 year + 3 months = 6.5 years less than men in pursuing their work with only one child. Add another 1.5 years for every next child she has. And that haven’t count the time she’s taking care of kids when they grow up.

You can do a lots of sh*t in 6.5 years!

If you can’t outgrow a person in 6.5 years, that just mean you suck.

3. When you do something for so long, it becomes nature, you don’t think much about it anymore.

That’s just how society works. Same with what people value change every couple years.

And thanks to those women who worked twice as hard, became the high-authority, got their voice listened by the whole world that we achieve the “normal” equality that we have today.

50/50 power? We don’t need that.

We only need enough to protect ourselves.

But when 50 is not enough, who knows, women will probably strive for 90% power.

You never know. Women are craaazzzyyyy. 🙂

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(P/s: Not all Asian women are abused or treated badly, but I must say there are still huge number who are.
P/s2: While writing something like this, I have a very loving and understanding husband and a wonderful dad. But not everyone are as lucky as me.)

~Nana3B~

One girl, one dream

I’m falling in love with this girl 🙂 I think I have heard of her somewhere before, but this is the first time I actually got into her page. Her nickname is Chip, and you can follow her in facebook at Xách ba-lô lên và Đi and her blog at Chip 2.0.

She’s a Vietnamese girl, who dropped out of college to fulfill her crazy dream: To travel the world. Her journey started since she was 19-20 years old, and she’s now 22, traveled over 25 countries (I don’t know what’s the exact number), with only $700 in her pocket when she started. Personally, I think she’s the bravest  girl I have ever came across. Worked wherever she landed to just to have the money to keep on traveling, got arrested by unreasonable cops, got stolen by armed thieves, lived with stranger who she knew absolutely nothing about, couldn’t speak/understand the natives,…

One girl, and one dream burning inside her heart.

All for just one simple reason, if she doesn’t go now, she will regret it later.

Many people these day couldn’t even dare to dream big. They always have reasons to be scared, to be afraid, to worry, to stop themselves from doing what other people call “different”, “strange”, “weird”,…

Well, if everyone is realistic, who else is left for dreams?

What make I love her even more, is the fact that she is a Vietnamese girl. Someone who was born Vietnamese, lived in Vietnam her whole life, raised by Vietnamese parents, and grew up in Vietnamese culture – a culture highly influenced by traditions, responsibilities, and society’s standard, where freedom is just a word, and if you don’t do what people think you should, then you’re probably screwed.

I could imagine the first time she traveled, how many called her crazy, stupid, and how her own parents would try to stop her, calling her irresponsible and selfish. I could imagine no one wanted to help her, and she had to be strong because that’s the only choice she had. And finally, when she returns with such amazing results, people finally accept her, finally believe what she does is right, and even praise  her, proud of her, blah blah blah, even the people that once called her crazy, stupid, irresponsible.

How funny, when someone’s in need, they refuse to give a hand, and now that the person success, they cheer and proud “because she’s one of us.”

And even now that they accept and praise her as a great traveler, but when she finally comes back, how many of the Vietnamese men would actually look at her as a girl, a woman? How many of them could love her like any other women out there? Or just like she said, Vietnamese culture will exclude her from the “good girls” and “marriageable women”,  just because she’s nothing like the type of Vietnamese woman like the housewife in Slave of Happiness.

Oh well, that’s something to worry about in the near future, but right now all I could do is to wish her the best.

“Standard” is different everywhere, and it’s not something you should force yourself into, when you know you’re unhappy with it. “Standard” is simply “what most people think is right”, it doesn’t mean that’s the absolute truth. In this world, there are hundreds of countries, thousands of religions, millions of cultures, and billions of people. Which means, there are hundreds, thousands, millions, and billions of different “standards”. There’s no way you can please everyone.

And while you’re trying so hard to please everyone else, do you ever think, what is it that you really want? Or will you lose yourself while listening to thousand other voices, so loud that you couldn’t hear your own thought?

If you want to do something so bad that you can’t stop thinking about it, then do it. 🙂

If it’s right, it’s worth it, then do it. 🙂

Life is simple, only people are complicated.

A poem for people who give up on their pets

Mommy, do you miss me?

I remember when you loved me, you picked me up and held me in your arms.
I remember when you held me, you kissed me and said to me, my baby is so beautiful.
I remember when you combed my hair and wiped my body with a soft cloth.
I remember when I was sleeping next to you on a huge bed, on a pillow, next to your hair with such sweet smell.
I remember the toys you bought for me, and the time we played together so much fun.
I remember every morning, I purred, and used my paw touching your face to wake you up.
I remember your sweet smile, and your voice like singing, “Good morning, my little treasure”, when you opened your eyes.
I remember those delicious food that you bought for me, and I always had so many type of food.
I remember how I loved you, I adored you, I admired you so much.
Mommy, do you miss me?

I remember when you brought home a man, and introduced him to me.
I remember you said that, he’s my husband, I love him very much, and he loves you too.
I remember he didn’t seem like a cat lover, but you loved him so I would love him too.
I remember he always shouted, and scared me with heavy footsteps.
I remember he didn’t try to be mean to me, but always ignored me when I begged him to hold me a bit.
I remember he said that cat can’t go into the bedroom, so I couldn’t sleep on your pillow anymore.
I remember I couldn’t wake you up every morning anymore.
Mommy, do you miss me?

I remember one day, you came home with a sweet smelling pack on your arms.
I remember you hold it tightly and said, this is my child and I love him very much.
I remember I thought to myself, if mommy love it then I will love it too.
I remember how I was so curious about it, sniffing it, because it had your smell but it was so small just like me.
I remember the man was scared when I sniff the baby. He said I could hurt it.
I remember I got put outside, where I never been to, and I was terrified.
I remember I sat outside, crying and begging you to come inside.
I remember you didn’t even take a step out to bring me in.
I remember that night, other cats came to me, looked at me in the dark and laughed, and picked on me.
I remember I was so scared that they might bite me, because I no longer had any claw to defend.
I remember I sat by the door all night, so scared and lonely.
I remember he said he couldn’t sleep because I kept on crying, so you have to get rid of me.
I remember you put me into a box, and don’t even look at my eyes once.
Mommy, do you ever miss me?

I remember the box got thrown out of the moving car, and it hit the road so hard.
I remember when I got out of it, I couldn’t figure out where I was and where you were.
I remember I waited for so long, hoping you would come and save me.
I remember I was so hungry, thirsty, lost, lonely, and scared.
I remember I had to find food in the garbage.
I remember other cats chased me, slapped me, bit me, because I was in their territory.
I remember I tried to find you, tried to find your scent in every light wind. And I couldn’t feel where you were.
I remember I ran to find you, so much that my feet bled.
I remember my beautiful soft hair became so dirty, my strong body became so thin because of hunger.
I remember the monster with the eyes so bright hit me on the road.
I remember the pain, such horrible pain, mommy! And I felt blood coming out of my mouth.
I remember I couldn’t move, my legs couldn’t even slide a little.
I remember how I needed you more than ever in my whole life. But you didn’t come!
I remember how I loved you so much, so much like the loneliness, the terror, and the pain when I’m dying here.

Mommy, do you miss me?

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Animal is not something you used once, then throw away. They have thoughts, feelings, memories, and can be hurt.

– Source: Một bài viết cảm động về tình trạng ngược đãi và bỏ rơi thú cưng

Translated by Nana3B

Slave of happiness

This is a rough translation of “Nô lệ của hạnh phúc“ by Trang Hạ. Some words and sentences had been changed in order to have the closest meaning to the original copy. If you think any changes should be made to make this translation even better, please comment bellow.

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Something you should know when  you read this articles:

In the past, Vietnamese girls were married into another household when they were very young. The main reason for it is to have another helper for the husband’s household in the  farm and around the house, and to bare child to keep the family bloodline. A lot of women were treated like maid/slave, and they were expected to be obedience, well trained, never complain, and never talk back to older people or her husband. They had to live in a household with 4-5 generations, with tons of people to take care of, and almost no freedom at all. Everything they did, or own, all belong to the husband.

That image slowly become a tradition of good woman, someone who would do all the housework, take care of kids, cook well, prepare every meal for her husband to come home, listen to her husband’s every word,… 

However, even after woman right and human equality, a lot of people still believe that a good woman have to act like a good housewife even when she goes to work just like any man. Less and less young women want to follow this tradition, and more women require their husbands’ share on housework these day. But due to another tradition, which is newly wed wife have to come and live at husband’s parents house with him, this has become a major problem. 

This article is a real story of a Vietnamese woman, living in Vietnam, in the current modern world. It’s just one person, one situation, it doesn’t mean that all Asian housewives or all Vietnamese housewives are like this. However, this way of life is considered a “dream marriage” in many women’s eyes in Vietnam, especially older or more traditional women. 

This article was written by a woman writer, who’s happily married with 3 kids, who’s also currently living in Vietnam.

Nana3B

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There are some kinds of happiness that carry the shape of a golden cage, because in order to have it, women have to exchange their own freedom.

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1. The young housewife:

When Hai got married, the whole neighborhood was really happy for her to get such a talented young man as her husband. After a huge wedding, she started a new life of a young housewife. Which means, she gets up early in the morning to buy breakfast for her husband, then goes to yoga class right at the floor below. At noon, she eats alone in her luxury kitchen. At night, she’s busy with the luxury dishes and tableware, while chatting with her friends online through webcam. In the weekend, her husband drives her to the market, stacks the whole car with enough food and appliances for the whole week. Each of her dress has to come with a matching pair of shoes, and her perfume collection might be as big as a closet for a household of 3 people.

I haven’t seen her until a few years after, partly was because we see each other online everyday, and every time we talk, it feels like we’re both doing well. If we need something, we can send email, or gift each other through online services. Even my books, I could just gift her online, it will go right into her smartphone.

Then one day, while I was drinking coffee right at her building, I called her to open the door.

From the day she married until she got kids, she had never gotten a job. So of course, she’s always at home. She gained some weight, and has a relaxing life around her kitchen. However, there is something weird about her, that is, when I was eating, she was always standing.

When I just finished eating, she immediately cleaned up, and placed newly made carrot smoothie right into my hand. Even when I was eating, she was always busy doing something. I asked her:

“Just leave it there, we can clean up together after. Why don’t you sit down and talk with me?”

“It’s nothing really. Keep talking, I’m still listening.”

I found out, she always held one thing in  her hand, one thing that even after 20 years living together in our old building, I had never seen before!

That one thing is a white, soft cleaning cloth, 100% cotton, and a little damp. That cleaning cloth is always clean, and couldn’t be any more clean, because every 10 mins or so, she would wash and hand dry it.

And that young housewife, even when she was sitting next to me to watch TV, she still held that cloth tightly in her hand.

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2. The secret of happiness

She said, her husband is getting more and more successful everyday. Even when the kids have grown, he still doesn’t want his wife to have to work hard. One time, she told him, “you should make me your secretary, everyday we could go to work together, how convenient! It’s really boring to stay at home!”

Her husband said, “you know that the wage of my secretary is just enough to pay for the milk we buy for our kids each month. Even if you go to work, it would just be enough to pay for some milk, not really worth it. And what about housework?”

And that’s the end of the discussion.

Every time they fight, her husband usually buys her an expensive make-up kit. She said, “if I went to work after finishing college, and keep on working until now, probably I could only earn enough to pay for those make-up.”

But the problem is, the young housewife barely use these cosmetics. A lot of them are about to expired, but haven’t been opened before. She owns these thing, she got gifted, but does she really need them? The things that make her proud of, do they really worth something to her, beside self-comfort?

I ask her, “why do you keep on wiping everything around the house? Your house is as clean as new already, you still have to talk to guest and cleaning at the same time like that? Being too clean is also bad, I heard in Japan, a lot of people have to go to the psychology hospital just because they are too clean. Some people have to wear glove when receiving money back from the store. Some people always think of virus.”

I noticed that she planted some flowers hanging from the window. Her laptop was placed right under these flowers, but surprisingly, not even a tiny bit of dirt or a drop of water was found on the laptop!

The young housewife said, “my husband is a clean freak, if he saw even a drop of clean water on the glass table, he will make me clean immediately.”

Wait what?!

“MAKE”?

and “CLEAN IMMEDIATELY”?

I finally understand that luxury life inside a luxury apartment of a happy family. One person will “make”, while the other will “clean immediately”! Even when I know that every happiness has it price, but we are different in our places in that happiness: Are we the owner of that happiness, or are we the slave?

She said, “oh, there is a short hair drop by the door.” She leaned down, used her white cleaning cloth to pick that hair up, then brought it to a garbage can on the corner of the kitchen.

I said goodbye to her in a hurry, because I was worried that another hair of mine will make her apartment and her life become less perfect. Or maybe I was worried that the thoughts in my head will startle her!

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Trang Hạ

Translated by Nana3B

When your ex comes knocking on your door

This is a rough translation of “Khi người yêu cũ gõ cửa” by Trang Hạ. Some words and sentences had been changed in order to have the closest meaning to the original copy. If you think any changes should be made to make this translation even better, please comment bellow.

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When we’re in love, we only need one reason – our love. But when we break up, we need a lot of reasons!

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1. Why do we break up?

– My mom don’t like you.

– You’re too annoying and jealous.

– I’m too busy, we should take a break.

– We’re too far apart, we can’t take care of each other.

– We aren’t fit for each other.

When we break up, we usually try to find a reason that’s most polite, most reasonable and least hurtful. Not a lot of people could say straight into their ex’s face the most important reason: We no longer love each other like we used to do. And even less could say this : I’m already too bored of you.

A friend told me, her ex-boyfriend came to her very quietly. They had worked together, been near each other, gotten closed to each other, then fallen in love with each other. They quietly and naturally held hand, had their first kiss, and made love. And they knew they were in love, without any proposal or gift like any complicated ritual.

The day they broke up, he quietly left, without any notice.

Women know there are important reasons that make a man that we love by all our heart, one day suddenly becomes… our ex-boyfriend! The problems in our love, when it becomes irreparable, will force us to choose another life that’s easier to breath for both. However, after the breakup, in movies we still see overly-romantic scene, like in a rainy night, the guy comes knocking on the girl’s door, saying: “Baby, I still love you so much!”

There are a lot of women imagine their man would come back to them in a situation like that. Or when he’s disappointed in his new cold, unromantic girlfriend. Or when he fails on his career. Or when he repents for breaking up with her. And she would become the last place in the world where he could come to, the only one who could understand him.

Women immediately forget why they broke up!

2. When an ex looking for an ex

My friend ran out of her first love’s door because she saw him kissing his… first love! Of course, after that, he explained that was just because of a weak moment, when he saw his ex came back crying and begging.

She forgave him, and they even married each other. But a man’s habit is hard to change. After they divorced and even when he got a new wife, he still sometimes comes back to my friend and wants to sleep with her. Is there any law against sleeping with ex-wife? And who would file a lawsuit against ex-husband just because he came back and wanted to sleep with her?

Actually, there are men who think their ex is the most suitable for sex, while women day-dreaming about love after they breakup.

A lot of women, after breaking up with their ex, still accept him when he wants to have sex. She hope that each time they’re together becomes a chance of them coming back together. But with her ex, it’s only as simple as a habit.

I know a beautiful young woman, she said that her problem is the man she’s still in love with, only when he’s drunk, would come to her, hold her, and make love to her. But when he’s sober, he comes back to his current girlfriend! And she still hopes that someday, the man would come back to her, not because he’s drunk, not because he’s used to it, not because she used to be his. So one more time is nothing.

And a lot of women forgave her ex when he’s weak before his ex-girlfriend or even when he slept with his ex-wife, as long as she’s his current girlfriend. Because, after all, he did that before, and it’s explainable.

3. When “love” is just a reason

A woman that got cheated on bitterly said: “Love” is just a reason for some asshole to have sex without having to pay money! But I think a good man would never use a woman when he says he loves another women.

Even when he’s drunk, even when his ex runs back in tear, even in a lonely rainy night force his to come back to your place, even when the cruel life pushed him to the edge, even when he’s disappointed with his new love, and you are the last place that he could be.

Because, no matter what his reason to come knocking at your door, the first thing he has to do is to make you fall in love with him all over again. He has to build up a relationship with you all over again! Because, we have broken up, and our love is already far in the past. It’s not that we used to kiss, so whenever you come knock at my door, you can kiss again. Or we used to make love, so whenever you come back, you could jump in my bed!

Remember why we broke up. Don’t remember how sweet we were together.
Did what happen in the past not teach you anything?

And sometime, I don’t know why, a lot of girls open the door, even when her ex is in front of it.

Because you are not a “welcome” rug at the front door, so that whenever he wants, he can come back?

Trang Hạ

Translated by Nana3B

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Revised and updated on 15th Sep, 2012.